Pity party, table for one.

It's been a long, difficult pregnancy.  Having been put on modified bed rest since June, I feel like I've missed out on so much.  I feel out of touch with my friends, out of touch with my coworkers (and all the good gossip), and out of touch with my family.  My heart feels like it breaks a little each time I realize I can't go somewhere (a party), or do something (like take my son th Busch Gardens).   I cry a little each time I have to decline an invitation to lunch or to spend a day in the park.   None of the tears, heart aches and sadness compares to what I feel like for missing my sisters bachelorette party.

In the beginning planning stages, before I got put on rest, I revelled in coming up with thoughts and ideas to make my sisters bachelorette day special.  As time went on, and the pregnancy complications intensified, I realized that I would not be able to be there with her.  I stopped reading the planning emails, reading the subject line alone made my eyes water.  I quickly scroll over any Facebook status updates hinting at or referencing the events, what little I see makes my heart feel heavy.   I will probably take a Facebook hiatus tomorrow (the day of the party).  I don't think I can handle seeing the pictures or reading my newsfeed with out feeling bad for not being there.  I know my sisters understand why I'm not there....  I know that my OB wouldn't want me to go....   Logic isn't making me feel any better.

It's not just missing out on doing things that is getting me down, it's the constant fear of doing something that could put the baby at risk.   As far as complications go, being at risk for premature labor isn't terrible or horrifying.  There are certainly far scarier issues.  Each day is about symptom control, preventing contractions.  The hard part is remembering to limit myself before I start to feel bad and definitely before I start having contractions.  It must be hard for those around me too.  I look fine, there's no outward signs of when I'm nearing my limit... I just hit a wall out of nowhere.  The physical limitations also inhibit my emotions.  

This pregnancy had a very little opportunity for celebration, joyful shopping trips for layette or nursery decor.  Every phone call or conversation is focused on how he's doing... how I'm doing.  With 2-6 weeks left, it makes me sad realizing that when I look back on this pregnancy it's going to be filled with memories of fear, worry, concern, and not joy, excitment, & wonder.   

Ok pity party over....for now.